Ghosts of diets past

I was reading about Zulekah Haywood, the daughter of supermodel Iman, in this month's Glamour magazine. Despite genetics that most of us would kill for - her father is NBA legend Spencer Haywood - she found herself at 330 pounds by age 31. Then she had gastric bypass surgery. Her story is here.

In the article, she talks about a lot of things that I totally identify with such as not being able to comfortably get out of bed in the morning serving as a major trigger that 'hello, something drastic needs to happen'. She also discusses how her famous parents tried unsuccessfully to help her with her lifetime weight problems.

My parents did, too, in their own way. One of my first childhood memories is of stepping on a scale, my mother standing over me. I remember that I was under 70 pounds and my mom seemed pleased about that. I can't remember if I'd been trying to lose weight or what, but I remember getting on that scale.

Another very early childhood memory: Coming indoors after running around playing and my father telling me that the racing feeling in my chest, the 'burn', as I would later recognize it, should be something I strive for all the time. In other words, I needed to exercise more.

My parents never overtly hassled me about my weight. I've been fat my whole life but they never put me down for it and never made me feel less than worthy. Small, quiet encouragement, yes. But not 'put the fork down you fat pig'. I know others were not as lucky as me and I'm forever grateful to my parents for that.

When I was growing up, my dad was one of those naturally thin people who seemed like he could eat whatever he wanted and never gain weight. Most of the men in my family, on both sides, were very tall and thin. The women, though, always seemed to struggle with weight. My mom was no exception.

My mom lived on a crash diet. Not a healthy-eating plan, but a crash diet. All the time. She was always tall, thin and pretty with an enviable hourglass shape. But she just about killed herself to get there. She would make us spaghetti for dinner and have a small bowl of brussel sprouts for herself. She always ate with us at the table but rarely enjoyed the same food we did. I'm not entirely sure but I think this planted the seed inside me somewhere that good food was something forbidden and bad; therefore, when I got some, I ate more than I should because we usually want more of what we think we're not supposed to have, right?

But I never went on a major diet PLAN till my senior year in high school. By then I was 297 pounds. I tried to lose weight before then, but the Atkins-like, low-carb, high-protein plan I went on when I was 18 was the first organized diet for me. And I lost about 80 pounds in three months. It was pretty awesome! Gained it all back in a year or two's time, though - plus more. And it's like a drug. After that, for the next 10-12 years, I was chasing the year or so I had where I was normal. Gotta get a hit of normal! I need it! I want it!

Zulekah talks about all the different plans she went on before resorting to gastric bypass. Again, I know exactly what she's talking about. In fact, Henry Ford Hospital makes you list all the plans you've tried in their pre-surgical evaluation. Here are mine:

- Atkins-like, physician-supervised: Worked like a freakin' charm! No carbs except fruit, all the protein you could eat, a B-12 shot once a week and a diet pill plus a diuretic daily. My mom made entire turkeys for me and I ate all I wanted while losing HUGE amounts of weight. Then I started eating bread again. FAIL.

- Weight Watchers: Didn't work at all. I maybe lost 15 pounds the whole time. I'm not a 'meeting', 'let's share' type of person. I hated the public weigh-ins the most. I gain weight every month when I'm on my period, like most women do. I remember the old guy supervising the weigh-ins being shocked once that I put on 3 lbs. in one week. He shrieked "THREE POUNDS!?! YOU GAINED THREE POUNDS?!?!" I was like "Do you have a uterus? No? Then shut the hell up." I received a smattering of applause for that.

- Jenny Craig: Horrid food. I never had a salt habit till Jenny Craig and I still blame that shitty bland food for it. And it was incredibly expensive. Worked about as well as Weight Watchers.

- Umm....can't remember. Maybe Physician's Weight Loss: It was Jenny-Craig LIKE in that you had to go to a place and talk to someone all the time. There was 'weight-loss jello' involved and food diaries. I remember it cost about $600 to join up. I can't even remember if I lost any weight at all on that plan.

- Phen/Fen, physician-supervised: We traveled to some weight-loss clinic in Kentucky ran by a complete asshole. He told me that to be at the weight I was at I had to be consuming about 10,000 calories a day. I seriously told him he was nuts. And he was. I have never been one of those obese people shoving three Big Macs at a time down my throat. I ate too much of the wrong things, yes. But never 10,000 calories a day. Kiss my ass, man. Phen/fen actually worked quite well at first but then we heard about side effects so stopped taking it. If you don't know about that whole controversy, you can read about it here.

- Slim Fast: I tried to drink one shake and threw it back up it was so disgusting. That was the end of that.

- Over-the-counter diet pills. Dexatrim, Xenadrine, strange things traveling salesmen brought to my parents' video stores.

- I had lots of those 'diets' where you say "Tomorrow, I'm going to eat better." And it lasts a few days. You know what I mean. I tried to do it on my own a lot, in addition to all these organized plans.

Now I know some of those plans I talked about above have worked great for other people. I also know some of them have changed a lot since I was on them. But at the time, they didn't work for me.

Then I gave up. I really did. I was tired. I mean, you try something over and over with the same results and after a while it just gets demoralizing. There comes a time when your body mass index is nothing compared to the crushing weight of your own failure. Around age 29, I went on the 'divorce diet' which coincided with the 'discovery of the Internet' diet and lost about 30 pounds without really trying. Then I moved to Canada and gained it all back plus a LOT more.

When I was diagnosed with diabetes, I tried this revolutionary thing - eating less and moving more. It worked because I stuck to it, mostly out of fear. I was scared because I was sick. I lost about 50 pounds. Then I started working again and fell back into old habits. Gained it all back plus more.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I ended up at 444 pounds. At that point, I couldn't bear to think about another diet. Just couldn't. But I knew I had to do something and fast. So I opted for gastric bypass. Best decision I've ever made in my life.

This time, I'm determined not to fail. I have a lot going for me this time around. I have the fantastic tool my surgeon gave me. I have motivation because of the drastic step I took - I'm not going through all of this for nothing. No more diets. Just common sense and a certainty that what I'm doing will prolong my life. How does it get any better than that?

I lost three more pounds last week which put me over the top and means I've officially lost 200 pounds - 202 to be exact. Current weight: 242 - 48 more pounds to goal.